This post dives into the use of violence in the home to defend. It speaks from a Christian perspective and gets very specific, teaching a man how to put a woman down in seconds and preparing for the future. I speak now because I suspect that many in the community will struggle with the concept of likely violence with impending shortages of food, fuel and core services. I extrapolate my learning experiences in marriage, Samoa and more recently with crooked cops in Taumarunui. Please learn from me if you can’t actually enjoy this post.
The widespread belief that because Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek; the ten commandments teach us not to kill and that because He showed mercy to His captors by not zapping them into oblivion for their arrogance, we too should meekly take whatever others want to dish up to us is utter BS.
The biblical principles expounded from the outset of scripture talk of aiming for a good and godly goal – to be a peacemaker and to do everything we can to avoid killing another – but IMHO, the US constitution gets it right on this matter, when our life or property is in danger, we may use lethal force to defend it.
There is a lot to this thorny topic, i.e. when can we legitimately take another’s life according to scripture. How do we balance the peacemaking and forgiveness sides of the Christian belief-system with the instruction to defend what is ours. Others have studied this subject much more deeply than me and I respect their take too. Here Ron talks as if the woman needs protection but in my experience this is an invalid assumption. Violence is gender neutral.
In 1987 I married a woman from up north, one of Hone Heke’s offspring I am told and essentially we had nine separations in eight years – six months on and six months off sort of thing. When I say this people tend to focus on the separations but there were an equal number of make-ups (less one of course because we eventually divorced). It took me a while to grow up but gradually the difficult events moved from a tit-for-tat 50/50 blame thing into trauma more and more generated by her fierce independence and my insistence that we as a family would do the honourable thing.
During these times I learned how to put her on the ground, immobilised and to be calling for assistance, usually within a few seconds. Later I will share the how of what I learned to do but the essence of my survival was that I believed that I had the responsibility to set the tone of my family. If anybody acted up it was my job to sort it. If it was a major issue or a threat then violence could result. This belief gave me the authority to act in any way necessary to sort the matter out, and if I was attacked physically it was my responsibility; it was my duty to sort it out once and for all.
This then, was the first lesson – to understand rightful authority. I know now, but I had to learn it the hard way that when violence occurs on your watch, you must resist even to the point of death for them or you) or you will forever be under the fear of violence. If there is a God, and if He holds us responsible then logically He must give us the commensurate authority. This then is the core Christian message.
In Samoa too, I learned the same thing. When the boys believed that I wouldn’t deck them or that I didn’t have a gun, they showed no respect and came in to steal and potentially rape my guests. When they knew that I would shoot to kill, then they stayed off my land and left my guests alone. There is a sixth sense that animals show and when the first thing a new boy asked me was if I had a gun, and I alluded to my possession of said weapon, then they got it!
In Taumarunui too, Club Wairua is located at Matapuna which is a bit of a “cussie town”. The properties I took over had a lot of kids (and adults too) using them for weekend trash-ups. Rubbish dumping, vagrancy & vandalism has pretty much stopped now that people know the score. It’s not just that someone lives here now, it’s more that they know that I am fearless to go up to the intruder(s) and challenge them. I’m always polite but I am firm that this is now private property. Sure, I’ve got a couple of bruises, lost a bit of blood and have pissed off some who don’t like me but when the neighbours note the difference around town I know that I’m making the world a better place.
Have I shot anyone yet? No.
Could I? Would I? Yes, given the right circumstance. If someone comes at me or any under my care on my own property, I would most definitely shoot to kill.
So in a marital situation it is normally perceived that it’s a man who will beat up on a woman. If this is the case then it my simple advice for her to get out. If it’s the first time it has happened then sure, warn him, telling him that any further violation will result in a permanent change in the relationship. Everyone makes a mistake out there but there is no situation in New Zealand that I can perceive where this rule does not or cannot apply. Period.
It is not quite so easy for a man however. He is asked to love his wife sacrificially and there may be a period of time required for a woman to work out that the Spirit of Jezebel is out to destroy. or that it doesn’t matter how much she whacks into her man that when he has the resolve to stand up for her she can never win. My case mentioned above was a little extreme – I guess it took a while for me to get it, but when push comes to shove a woman needs love and a man needs respect. Violence from woman to man in any form (emotional, verbal or physical) engenders ungodliness. Warn her. Exercise your rights, be patient and get rid of her if there is no respect. Period. I’ve found out that it’s simply not worth it.
So how to disable a woman in seconds?
- The first thing is to obtain, know and understand authority. As the man of the home it is your responsibility to set the emotional and spiritual environment in the home. Woman’s libbers please go home! You do NOT need to be perfect but you will be held accountable for what happens when violence occurs. In a tense situation both parties are amped up but the one with the authority (the man) will always have the final say . . . always. It might take some time, who knows how long, seconds, minutes or years, it doesn’t matter.
- You need to decide to act and do it fast. Once that decision is made to use violence you must expect it to escalate to death. I’ll repeat this because it is important. When you make the decision to act you must be prepared to die over the matter so get it right. This is what violence is. It is what it leads to without a change from one of the two parties. Tit-for-tat violence always lifts the game whether you like it or not. I learned this when I was in Coromandel in my early twenties. One of my employees had stolen a brand new outboard motor that we needed. I was angry and lifted a straight sickle up over him to threaten him. He casually lifted one hand and ripped it out of my two hands and threw it metres up and away in one movement. That was my lesson that if I was not prepared to go all the way, then I would run away. I learned that and applied it to violence in my marriage. I believed that it was wrong. I asked my wife to let her frustrations out in other ways, but if she ever turned on me, I would react and defend – to death.
- Focus on just one part of her body without looking at it and then go for it, 100%. I usually found that going for her left wrist (she was left handed) was the most successful strategy, that was until she worked out that her holding her writs together stopped the inevitable meeting with the carpet, deck, concrete or grass. I would step inside her left arm, twist her hand in the process and turn around 180 degrees. Often this could be as quick as one or two seconds where she would suddenly find herself facing away from me, and her primary arm up her back. Suppression then to the floor was then usually a controlled event ready for a one handed 111 phone call.
- Understand that it is simply not possible for a godly man who is focused on protecting his family from an angry woman to lose when he gets both of his hands onto the woman’s wrist and steps in to twist over his head and it up her back. Try it please, quietly first! If she understands what you are doing and she holds both wrists together then you have removed her capacity to strike you with knives, tomahawks firewood or hammers and a foot sweep or eye poking/disabling can break the deadlock and usually get her down.
- Once anger is suppressed then it is wise to do nothing except suppress her until help arrives. It does not matter if a baby is crying, a pot is burning or anything other than preserving life. Yours.
- Once the dust settles then the man MUST summarise the events clearly and firmly. He will need to reestablish his authority in the situation. I always recommend that Police Statements are given in writing at a later time – NOT to the attending Police, who will often be men-haters or have nefarious agendas, religious or cultural biases and political agendas.
As I write this I feel yuck but it is the same as dealing with a dying cow, or a sick dog.
Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.
Feeling good about yourself still?